I came home tonight at four in the morning. A girl who's been trying to fuck me for a very long time was hanging out with my roommate. She tried again a few minutes after I got situated. Encounters like this remind me of why drinking is Bad- If I'd been unproductive tonight, I might have said "yes," or otherwise lacked the cognitive grace to turn her down, repel the attack, and keep my room- and my sanity- to myself.

She's been here two nights this week. Two nights this week, I've sealed myself in my room and not left it until it was time to shower and so forth for work the next day. Easy way of avoiding psychotic amounts of stress I shouldn't have to deal with, especially in my own house.

She'll be here tomorrow, too. I'm not looking forward to it.

The problem really is that she's even more dense and thick-headed about sex than I am. How's this a problem? Simple. I'm very much against the idea and am hardwired to be as diplomatic about this fact as possible. She's very much for the idea and is hardwired to be as overt, base, and Male about this fact as possible. She's also completely not my type- she smokes pot, has had sex with people I know (call me stupid, but it's an automatic disqualification if the guy's a dweeb), and there's no way in hell I could pick her up with both arms or otherwise lift her. I can't be intimate with people who clock in at more body mass than I have- I have flashbacks. Flashbacks are Very Very Bad.

So. Roll all of that together and you have a rolling ordeal of Joy I've dubbed Scary Goth Girl. To be perfectly honest, she's a very nice girl when she's not humping holes in my jeans. Unfortunately, I only know this secondhand, as every single experience I've had with her has consisted of me figuring out how to get as far away from her as fast as possible, preferably unmolested.

Unfortunately, she's friends with my roommate.

Usually IRC log times are Pacific, as I irk from WA. I've adjusted the log to EST to underscore just how irritating it is to be propositioned at four in the morning. In my own fucking house. I'm fairly certain that being diplomatic and Nice to people rather than shattering egos and stomping on personalities has aggravated this situation to the point where it's probably high time to tell Certain People to Knock It The Fuck Off You're Making Me Miserable.

Some people would kill to have a short list of girls humping their leg. I'm down with the whole "willing" thing, personally- and that's all I ask for. Thing is, if they're willing and I'm willing, it's great. If they're willing and I'm not, it's usually just Fucking Annoying. SGG, despite rumors of having "cooled off" in her persuit of me, still unloads at full auto with every opening she gets. It's depressing. I'd love to be chased around by women I find attractive and interesting. I am- though that relationship gets Really Weird when hormones key up.

Given my attitude on sex and relationships (in part described below), and the persecution complex I've developed as a result of being mercilessly hit on and practically fucking STALKED by women who I'm not interested in over the course of the last fourteen months or so, I'm starting to think that I am, in fact, somewhat asexual.

It stands to reason, to a point. The point being that getting of is THE AWESOME.

However.

Feeling like I've just had my soul sucked out of my cock is not. I haven't had non-soul-sucking sex since 2001. The soul-sucking thing sucks more than I can describe. Fear of that emptiness and the destruction it inflicts on my creative process (something I'm actually using a LOT lately) keep the subject from serious consideration these days. I'm not down with it. Better things to do, generally speaking. My libido is really pissed about my stance on the matter, obviously. I'd love to have sex. However, I loathe everything that goes into it, the results, and the acquisition aspect. Thoroughly. Something of an ordeal with the opposite sex over the past couple of years- get in a relationship with a girl and she wants more and more and more of your time. She wants to Do Things with you. Like "Hang Out" (an activity consisting largely of getting drunk or watching movies. Or getting drunk while watching movies.). This works if the girl's compatible, interesting, has her shit under control, doesn't talk about her ex, isn't a gossip, doesn't wear or smoke anything I'm allergic to, doesn't have a trillion medical problems (including STDs), has the same views on birth control as I do, and has either a similar or complementary range of interests. And doesn't want me to hang out with other people.

I'm a picky motherfucker. It takes more than a bared chest or a low shirt to steal my attention away from what I'm actually Doing. I have issues with the kinds of personalities that do those sorts of base-level things when their reasoning and diplomacy are rebuffed. I don't watch movies just because the ass or tits or other flavor of the week happens to be the star actress. I don't even like being in the same room with other guys who behave that way. Makes me cringe.

In short. Sexually speaking, I'm obviously not a Typical Male. Treating me like one or expecting me to behave like one under most circumstances will typically elicit a flight response, followed by contempt and a good deal of angst. I can't do frivolous sex. I've found I can't maintain long term relationships. Or rather, I haven't had one yet. Which is fine by me. I can't justify giving my life up to one person. Not when I'm working to give it to the world.

Biologically, I'm a functional heterosexual male with a working- if low-ebb- libido.

Psychologically, I'm not really aggressive and I have a huge problem with masculine sexual behavior (which SGG, mentioned below, has in spades). I, in fact, have a serious issue with anyone I'm not attracted to continuing to hit on me after the initial probe is shot down. Though this might be my own fault- I've been told I'm alternatively really hard to read and completely and totally ignore huge chunks of conversation. One and the same. I "drop" things I don't want to hear- like come-ons, complements, freelance propositions, and bitching to me about people I don't even know. I hear it, I understand it, and I'm deliberately ignoring it because in most cases, not reacting comes off as being incredibly thick... and leading an aggressive woman into thinking her target is too dense to realize she's hitting on him is sometimes simply the most diplomatic way I can think of to say "uh-uh." Unfortunately, sometimes I am too dense. Or she's too subtle. Not reacting has gotten me through a good amount of unpleasantness. It's also gotten my accused of being fucked in the head. If I am, it's localized and focused on the trauma zone. That thing I can't stop bitching about.

03:52 < solios_afk> asdf
03:52 < solios_afk> DFGDFKHJfglhkj$%#$%#$%!!!!!!
03:52 -!- You're now known as solios
03:52 < solios> GODDAMMIT
03:52 < solios> sec.
03:52 < solios> fucking knock on the door.
03:52 < solios> >:|
03:53 * solios breaks things.
03:53 * solios breathes.
03:53 < solios> k.
03:53 < solios> I get home.
03:54 < solios> SGG is on the couch, hanging with my roommate.
03:54 < solios> I get to my room, start getting the env Pressurized so I can sleep.
03:54 < solios> 03:52 < solios> fucking knock on the door.
03:54 < solios> You guessed it.
03:54 < solios> < SGG> Wanna talk and cuddle?
03:54 < solios> >:|
03:54 < solios> < me> No.
03:55 < solios> < SGG> Wanna talk and cuddle? I'm drunk!
03:55 < solios> < me> I'm Not. And I have a big list of shit to do before I pass out.
03:55 < solios> I HATE PEOPLE
03:55 < solios> MY COCK IS BEING STALKED IN MY OWN FUCKING HOUSE WHAT MANNER OF DEMON DID I PISS OFF IN MY LAST LIFE.

==

03:56 <solios> oh.
03:56 <solios> goddammit.
03:56 <solios> the money thing?
03:56 <solios> well, that worked.
03:56 <solios> so I was like "hmmmm."
03:56 <solios> sex.
03:56 <solios> tried THAT.
03:56 <solios> not only did it !work, it's backfired HORRIBLY.
03:56 <solios> re: SGG.
03:56 <solios> it Sucks.
03:57 <solios> I've noticed that if I Call or Think along those lines, Certain People show up in my life.
03:57 <solios> I've dated, had sex, or made out with all of them.
03:57 <solios> After a certain point, new people stopped showing up.
03:57 <solios> It was like pressing redial.
03:57 <solios> Problem with that is it's the wrong fucking area code, so to speak.

==

03:57 * solios sighs.
03:58 < solios> fagbot: doot for HELD PRISONER IN MY OWN FUCKING ROOM.
03:58 < fagbot> YOU GET SO HUFFY WHEN IT COMES TO THE DICKS
03:59 < solios> Anything to do with sex, really. Unless I initiate it.

==

04:02 <solios> So.
04:02 <solios> If I Call, Shebeasts answer.
04:02 <solios> I'm trying to reach Heaven here, not Hell.
04:03 * solios throws out the phone book.